TXFFON Goes to Hell
by PumaMav Enterprises
Summary: Returning to the place where it was spawned.


  
  
The wind blew through the desert island, the faint sound of birds could be heard chirping in the distance, only one thing was misplaced on this beautiful, but small, island.  
  
A Corpse.  
  
Two years earlier TXFFON, an evil Nazi, was killed, or thought to have been killed, by the greatest heroes to ever exist. Batman and Ash. No one had thought, especially these heroes, that one day, her head would roll in the wind, in the right direction, towards the body she lost those years ago, and when that head would touch that body, she would return..or he.  
  
Tonight was the night, that the wind would stop blowing, the birds would stop chirping, and all hell would break loose.  
  
  
  
A PUMAMAV ENTERPRISE PRODUCTION  
  
A STORY BY MAV_^  
  
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS DEVELOPED   
BY MAV_^ and the AMAZING COLOSSAL PUMA MAN  
  
PRODUCED BY  
DAN AYKROYD AND HAROLD RAMIS  
  
and thus directed by:  
ALAN SMITHEE  
  
  
TXFFON GOES TO HELL  
  
  
  
Cokie, the magical coca cola can, had successfully run for President two years ago, and had changed America into a prosperous nation, and saved us from another depression. He had opened several memorials, including the TXFFON one, that would remind us all of how stupid this Hitler person was.  
He sat peacefully in his office, remembering the days when he was created, back on that island during a severe storm, his only friend was killed in a uh battle when TXFFON attacked. His wife, Mountain Dewie wobbled in, "Honey.. I'm home!" Cokie remained silent, "Whats wrong honey?" Mountain Dewie asked.  
  
"It has been two years since that fateful day when Batman and Ash destroyed TXFFON and told me that one day she would return. Because she is the antichrist."  
  
Mountain Dewie nodded, "..so whats the big deal? It can't be tonight can it?"  
Cokie sighed, "Honey.. I have a strange feeling."  
  
As he said that a red siren went off in his office, and his phone rang, he quickly answered it.  
  
"Mr. President! TXFFON IS BACK! I REPEAT TXFFON IS BACK!"  
  
  
--------  
  
Webslacker sat in his office chatting away on irc, he was suppost to have a website done for his good friend Mav_^ but he thought he'd chat instead, he cursed as Mav_^ entered the chat room.  
  
Mav_^: Hey webslacker whats up?  
  
Webslacker: Uh..nothing  
  
Mav_^: The website done yet?  
  
Webslacker quickly hit the X button at the top left hand screen on his Windows 98 powered computer.  
  
"Oh yes! ha! That'll teach that Mav_^ Person! I have escaped to uh slack off another day!" Just then he heard his stomach growl, "Ugh.. I haven't eaten in 7 days, I think I'll go get a pizza and the movie Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald..damn that movie is hilarious!" He stood up and ran out to feed himself.  
  
As he left, his monitor flickered back to life, and the screen started to bleed, and a strange whispering came from the speakers, "TXFFON....TXFFON............" repeatedely.  
  
  
------  
  
Batman and Ash sat in the batcave enjoying a game of Quake 3, Batman was using an Ash model, as Ash was using a Batman model.  
  
"Damn it Ash! Stop using that damn railgun its pissing me off." Batman said.  
Ash laughed insanely as he shot Batman dead again with the rail gun.   
Batman sighed as the Computer turned off, "What the hell?" Batman asked.  
He looked at the computer screen as it started to bleed, and once again, like Webslackers computer it started saying TXFFON. repeatedly.  
  
"Oh my god." Ash said, "Its TXFFON!"   
"She must have hired a hacker or something." Batman said.  
"Why?" Ash asked.  
"She is an idiot."  
"Oh." Ash said, "Well we better go stop her."  
"We better contact Cokie the Magical Coca Cola can first."  
  
-------  
  
Cokie sighed as Batman told him what was going on over the Holographic Message System, "Yeah I understand." Cokie said.  
  
"Ash and I will fly to the island tonight to see whats going on. I suggest that you get the army ready. Every time we kill her and she comes back, she just gets more powerful, and its the only way to stop her, even if it is temporary."  
  
"Yeah I agree with you Batman." Cokie said, "I'll await your report. Please hurry."  
  
Cokie turned off the communication device and looked at his wife, "Honey, I got your weapons of mass destruction in the kitchen. Rocket Launchers, MP5's, combat knives, oh yeah and that uh that Nuke thing from Starship Troopers."  
  
"Excellent." Cokie said.  
  
-------  
  
Mav_^ hrmed, wondering why the hell Kinne...err.. I mean Webslacker, kept quitting everytime he showed up, Mav_^ began wondering if he was truly a slacker.  
  
Just then he heard the doorbell, "PIZZZZA!" he shouted outloud running for the door, as he opened the door the evil german bitch looked at him. "No I am not your American Pizza. I am the antichrist. I am the german bitch form hell. I am TXFFON. Fear me and my nazi army."  
  
Mav_^ gulped and stepped back against the wall, TXFFON glared evilly.  
  
"...Wha..What are you going to do?" Mav_^ cried  
"You are my insurance. As long as I hold you hostage those bitches Batman and Ash can't touch me."  
  
Mav_^ looked at her and noticed that she was a decaying corpse, "Uh your uhm..skin is falling off your chin."  
  
TXFFON glared, "SHUT UP AMERICA LOVER!"  
  
  
--------- To Be Continued -----------  
  
  
  
Part 2  
  
---------  
  
Batman looked around the island, "Thats strange."  
Ash looked up from his PKE meter, "What?"  
"Tom Hanks body is gone."  
"Well so is TXFFONs.. I'm not picking anything up on this Psychic Kinetic Energy Meter." Ash sighed.  
"Hrm... When our computer went out, it indicated that TXFFON wasn't working alone. Tom Hanks has been in enough movies to know how to hack into a computer and make it do strange things." Batman said.  
"So you think Tom Hanks and TXFFON are working together?"  
"Exactly Old Chum!"  
  
Batman walked through the darkness of the island and headed towards the Batwing, Ash followed, and they soon returned to America.  
  
----------  
  
"You pitiful voting peace of scum." TXFFON said looking at Mav_^ who was now chained to his computer. She quickly turned her head from Mav_^ and looked at the door, as it opened, "Tom Hanks is that you?"  
"Yeah its me.. " He said walking in, "That our hostage?"  
"Yes. NOW GET ON THE COMPUTER AND MAKE ALL OF THE ONES IN THE WORLD BLEED!" TXFFON ordered.  
"Yes your godliness!"  
  
Mav_^ looked at Tom Hanks, "How could you man? You were once a great actor, now your a Nazi Following piece of shit."  
"I have no choice, she brought me back from the dead and now I have no choice but to obey her." Tom said with a sigh.  
"ENOUGH OF YOUR BABBLING TOM HANKS!" TXFFON yelled.  
"Sorry your majesty!" Tom Hanks said apologizing.   
  
Tom moved over to the computer and opened a DOS Prompt, he quickly began hacking.  
  
All while Mav_^ watched.  
  
----------  
  
Cokie threw his Mp5 on his back, he strapped on his belt and equipped his Starship Trooper style nukes. He put his combat knife in his belt, "Always Coca Cola. Bitch." he said looking in the mirror getting ready for some TXFFON beating.  
  
Mountain Dewie said as she looked at Cokie, "Isn't that a little... overkill?"   
"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag NAG!" Cokie said he wobbled away from his wife to his Presidential Hummer.  
As soon as he entered the car, he hit the holographic message unit, and as usual Batman appeared.  
  
"Alright Batman, what do you got?"  
"It appears that Tom Hanks was brought back to life and is now enslaved by TXFFON who is now somewhere in America."  
"Great.. so we got any leads?"  
"We have one, we're checking into it right now... Ash..enter mIRC..."  
  
--------  
  
Ash quickly logged onto IRC and entered the chat room, and quickly noticed something strange.  
  
Webslacker: Its true guys, I haven't seen Mav_^ in a long time, I miss him annoying me to finish his website for him.  
Amazing_Colossal_Puma_Man: Whatever Kin..er.. Webslacker.  
Fighting-Falcon: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm insane weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  
Amazing_Colossal_Puma_Man: Right...  
BatsmenandsAsh: When did this Mav_^ disappear?  
Webslacker: Last night..  
  
Batman looked at Ash, "thats when TXFFON came back, we must locate this Mav_^ he might be able to help us!"  
  
BatsmenandsAsh: Thank you.  
  
They quickly logged out and Batman looked at Ash, "You can't spell worth crap man, why the hell would someone call me Batsmen?"  
  
-------  
  
Mav_^ chuckled to himself as he watched Tom Hanks continue his hacking, of course all the computers started bleeding, but hey now he knew how to undo it all, what kinda idiots are these people?  
  
"EXCELLENT! NOW THOSE NAZI HATING PIG FUCKING AMERICANS WILL SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF ME! NOW WE MUST DESTROY THE THING KNOWN AS THE INTERNET!"  
  
"Uh.. Your majesty thats impossible, the internet is more powerful than anything ever created!" Tom Hanks said.  
"I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT TOM HANKS! BUT YOU WILL OR I SHALL SEND YOU BACK TO THE ISLAND!"  
"I'm sorry! I'll find a way."  
  
"NOT SO FAST!" Suddenly a coca cola can broke through a window and landed infront of Tom Hanks and TXFFON.  
"Always Coca Cola BITCHES!" Cokie said.  
  
"Cokie!" Tom Hanks shouted, "Your alive!"   
"Unfortunately you are too you NAZI FOLLOWING BITCH!" Cokie said, he quickly gunned down Tom Hanks.  
  
"NO! YOU AMERICAN MADE PIECE OF SHIT! I SHALL CONQUER YOU WITH MY ALL POWERFUL NAZI ARMY!" TXFFON Screeched.  
"AH! BUT AMERICA SHALL DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!! YOUR GOING TO HELL BITCH..or uh GUY.. WHATEVER THE HELL YOU ARE!" Cokie yelled, he threw a Starship Troopers style nuke at her, he grabbed Mav_^ and they jumped out the window just  
in time.  
  
"Cokie! You saved me! Thank god for Coca Cola!"  
"Yes. Always Coca Cola."  
"Yes."  
"We have to save the computers from bleeding and destroying the internet!" Mav_^ said.  
"What?" Cokie asked.  
"Quickly get me to my computer! I saw everything he put in!" Mav_^ said, he jumped back in the window, and didn't see TXFFON anywhere.  
"Hrm. I think she lived." Cokie said, "Hurry up, I'll get Batman and Ash over here." Cokie said, he turned on his holographic communication device.  
  
Mav_^ quickly entered a DOS Prompt and began cancelling all the commands that Tom Hanks put in. "This guy isn't very clever, Movie style hacking just isn't what it used to be."  
"Just hurry up citizen!" Cokie said, waiting for Batman and Ash to arrive.  
  
"Done." Mav_^ said, and as he said it, the computers stopped bleeding, and the internet was saved. YAY! But then, TXFFON came back.  
"NO! MY ANAL BUILD UP SHALL STOP YOU!" she quickly turned around and farted.  
"AH SHIT! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Cokie yelled, Mav_^ grabbed Cokie and they jumped out the window again.  
  
Batman and Ash walked up, "Lets kick some ass." Ash said, turning on his chainsaw.  
"Hey..Batman Ash, I wrote you guys.. Remember Batsmen Meets Eval Ded 1 through 5?" Mav_^ said.  
"Oh yes, and you helped us in Cheap Sequel Day." Batman noted.  
"Well Creator, unlike Tom Hanks we shall let you live!"  
"We already killed Tom Hanks." Cokie noted.  
"Uh guys.." Ash said, "There is a huge Nazi Army approaching."  
The four heroes turned around to see a huge army of ugly TXFFON followers, "Ah crap.. I hope they don't smell as bad as TXFFON" Mav_^ said.  
"HAIL TXFFON!" said the Nazi Army Leader dude.  
"I'm outta ammo." Cokie said.  
Suddenly, the words, "DO THE DEW!" Were heard, and a Mountain Dew can flew in carrying hundreds of rounds of ammo and a huge variety of guns.  
"DEWIE!" Cokie shouted, as everyone started grabbing ammo and crap.  
  
Batman pulled out his chaingun and began blowing Nazi's stomachs out, while Ash ran into the frontline with his chainsaw and shotgun and began blasting the deadites..I mean nazi's.  
Cokie, grabbed his fully loaded mp5 and began shooting Nazi's heads out, Mav_^ used his supreme writing skills and erased half the army.  
  
Eventually the army was gone and the 4 heroes were triumphant.  
  
"Lets take out TXFFON." Batman suggested.  
"Groovy." Mav_^ said.  
"HEY! THATS MY DAMN LINE! YOU THIEF!! ARE YOU FROM 3D REALMS OR SOMETHING?" Ash yelled.  
"Uh..thats from PumaMan's story.." Mav_^ said.  
"Bah I hate having two writers."  
"Lets just kill TXFFON and bury her near the center of the earth where her body will melt due to the extreme heat given off by the core." Cokie said.  
"Good idea." Ash said.  
  
They all jumped back into Mav_^'s house and began shooting TXFFON and cutting her up with chainsaws and axes. "NO YOU FOOLISH AMERICA LOVERS! I AM NAZI! I NEVER DIE! I NEVER DIE! NO ONE CAN STOP ME!"  
"Shutup." Mav_^ said, as he cut off TXFFONs head with an Axe.  
  
Mav_^ quickly jumped back to his computer and hopped on IRC to talk to Pumaman and Kinne...er.. I mean Webslacker.  
  
The other 3 took the corpse and dug a hole to the center of the earth and threw TXFFON in and buried her.   
  
"I doubt she'll ever get out of that." Cokie said.  
"TXFFON always survives." Batman said.  
"She'll return, maybe not today, maybe not tommorw, but someday, hopefully we won't be alive when she does."  
"Why is that?" Mav_^ asked looking at the three.  
"Each time she dies she becomes more powerful." Batman said.  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
